How to suck at Facebook 101

Mike Davies, Editor-in-Chief Ω

I am not a puppy that you are trying to train to inform you when he has to go outside when he needs to do his business.

I’ll get to why I’m saying this in a minute or so, but I just wanted to get it out of the way early to set a tone.

I’m a relatively new Facebook user. I put off joining the social media scene until I realized I needed to know how to survive in that electronic world in order to effectively do my job (and subsequently survive in my withering industry). I’m barely two years in, but I’ve already gained enough experience with people doing it wrong — at least as far as I’m concerned — that I feel I can share with you some of my personal irritations with this particular communication medium.

I generally don’t watch videos that come through my feed that say things like “You need to watch this!” and have no explanation as to what I’d be getting myself into by clicking on the link. Maybe (some of) those videos I really would enjoy, but I’ll never find out, because unless you tell me why I should, I’m just simply not pressing that button. This is a minor irritation, however, when lined up next to some of the other offences committed on the platform in discussion here.

People who don’t use English annoy me. Wait…I should rephrase that, because people who use languages other than English don’t annoy me, but the same cannot be said for people who are supposed to be (or think they are) using English and fail at it when they are clearly fully capable and just not even trying. It may be because of what I do for a living, what I’m studying at this institution and my love of language, but I have a problem with people who don’t take the extra fraction of a second to write out words in full. I’m not talking about typos — I can tell when someone’s key-stroke just missed the target — but when people say things like “wut u doin 2day?” I want to hit them in the throat with a potato sack full of bricks.

As you can plainly see, this isn’t a numbered list of transgressions — a “Top Five List” if you will — because at any given time, these iniquitous lapses in judgement are more or less offensive. In fact, the most recent one that came through my feed is likely my least favourite. But I digress…

Vague posts specifically designed to generate a question which will inevitably — at least the one typing it hopes — lead to a sympathetic ear or supporting encouragement of your situation are absurd. “Well, that sucked,” gives me no information and really serves no purpose. I will not type “What sucked?” and be dragged into what is assuredly your overdramatic ramblings about how life isn’t fair. You’re right. Life isn’t fair.

Don’t invite me to your time-suck games. The fact you don’t know me well enough to uncheck my name (or whatever you have to do to not send me that invitation) makes me think we actually aren’t friends. I don’t have time to waste on such nonsense.

Finally, if you are expressing the same sentiment most of the times you sit down at your keyboard, you are seriously wasting everyone’s time, as well as squandering the power and possibility of this great application.

Whether it is you hate Mondays, love cats or are pissed off at Stephen Harper, if you told the world of Facebook this fact last week, I don’t need to hear it again this week. As I said, I’m not a puppy you’re training to go relieve itself outside. You don’t have to keep reminding me you work a desk job with regular Monday to Friday hours, you like your weekends and are sad to see them go. I’m not an idiot who forgets things immediately after I read them. It’s like you’re smacking me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. You don’t need to post every cute picture of a cat you find on the Internet that has a “funny” caption on it. It’s like you’re smearing my nose in the accident on the carpet.

Except you’re the one who caused that coil to be there in the first place, so that isn’t fair. Like life, I guess.