Cory Hope, Arts and Entertainment Editor Ω
Every January I find myself unable to avoid Top Ten lists from the previous year, and the winners are never any of the ones that I would have chosen.
Rather than join in the top ten in the traditional fashion (you know, making a top ten list myself), I decided instead to make a list of the five worst movies I had seen throughout the year.
Because it’s my list, and I didn’t waste too much of my time actually going to see many movies that came out in 2011, I’m just making a list of the five worst movies I saw in 2011, not taking into account what year the movies actually came out.
Since most of the movies I saw listed this year seemed to be sequels, remakes, reboots, re-imaginings or whatever other new word they want to use to say we’ve seen it before, I think it’s fair for me to be able to make a list of movies from years past.
So, in no particular order, here are the worst movies I saw in 2011.
The Roller Blade Seven.
Just because you’ve got a high pain tolerance doesn’t mean you’ll make it through this particular piece of crap.
I’m actually quite surprised my DVD player didn’t decide to end its own existence when I loaded this into it, in a fit of, “This is what my life has come to?”
The Roller Blade Seven’s lack of a coherent story was far from its only problem, but when the main selling point of a movie is a mummy on roller skates who plays the banjo while other characters are engaged in really poorly choreographed battles for no readily apparent reason, you’d do well to watch this one with friends.
Movies this bad are a bonding experience.
The Cremaster series is not readily available on DVD, unless you are willing to shell out a minimum of $100,000.00.
Over a hundred grand to subject yourself to this nightmarishly pointless tripe.
How does one get away with this?
First, you have to market it as art.
Being a famous artist to begin with is probably a key point here.
Next, make sure everyone knows that you’re only making 20 copies, all in custom packaging, then sell them as art.
Finally, this ends in you drinking shots of bourbon distilled in unicorn hearts, rolling your own cigarettes using hundred-dollar bills, and laughing to yourself while everyone you know tells you how brilliant you are.
You won’t actually have to be brilliant.
Just be pretentious and refuse to explain anything about it. Just claim people, “Don’t get it,” or something like that.
You’ll be fine.
How it came to be that somebody decided to reanimate the corpses of the careers of the likes of Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin, pair them up with other 80s-era action stars whose careers are currently dodging the coffin with every crap role they ever get, and try to make it sound like the project is epic in proportions is totally beyond me.
By and large, the main “stars” of these films are the worst part of them, and the idea of putting them all together should have been the idea behind a National Lampoon’s movie mocking the hell out of the whole lot of them.
If I learned anything from The Expendables, it is that in order to save one beautiful girl from the torment of life in a third-world country, it is entirely acceptable for a group of mercenaries to kill and destroy everything she has ever known.
The less she has to go back to, after all, the more likely it is that she’ll stay with a dolt like one of them.
I’m going to have to admit that this is absolutely the worst film I saw all year.
It is the one time where I was seriously considering not seeing the movie through to the end, but the rules of Bad Movie Night (an event held once a month with some friends), decree that all movies must be watched to their end, and there’s no such thing as walking away without somebody pushing pause.
I don’t really remember anything about the plot of this movie.
I think I have honestly been able to suppress the memory of everything except the constant showing of the gods’ codpieces.
All I can really say about this flick is if you really feel like you have to see it, for the love of whatever god you pray to, don’t invite me to your house that night.
I don’t care if it’s a naked cheerleader party night.
Keep me the hell away from that movie at any cost.
I don’t think I need to continue after that one, now that I think about it.
Maybe a bottom four is good enough, and I’m certain that those were the worst movies I saw this year.
My own personal to-don’t list of things to re-watch in the future.
I also gave up the secret of Bad Movie Night, which means you know I subject myself to these movies intentionally, but with a support group of my peers.
I started off saying that this was a Top Five list, though, and I think you deserve a fifth movie.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus?
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid?
The Asylum keeps on pumping out these gems, and some of us will continue to watch them, no matter how much it hurts.